Good vibes

I'm sitting in bed at 7pm on who knows what day and date (who doesn't love that Christmas and New Year period where you have no idea what day or time it is) in a lovely B&B in Byron Bay with a gorgeous almost 4 year old sleeping next to me.  Yeah toddlers wake up at 5am on holidays ready to roll and crash out just when you're trying to decide what to have for dinner.

Alas... life is good.  After the mayhem of end of year it's nice to clean and declutter the house and head north to warmer weather for some rest and reflection.  I'm so fortunate that my life allows for that.  The ocean is my happy place.

In 2016 I wanted to thrive rather than just survive.  I wanted to develop personally and professionally and really take things to the next level.  I wanted to do the things that make me happy.  I wanted to travel.  I wanted to strengthen the bond with my daughter.  I wanted things to be great.  I worked really, really, really hard and played even harder.  I went to Italy for the first time and back home to Serbia which really refuelled my soul.  I learned to trust myself and back myself.  When you put yourself out there in a big way, things happen in a big way - sometimes good, sometimes back but always for a reason.  I wouldn't change a thing about 2016.  I seem to always be BUSY but amongst it all I've done my best to make time for the little things, like taking my daughter to ballet every week and WATCH her learn to dance.    To sacrifice a lot to enrol her in a wonderful kinder.  To show her amazing new places in Australia and around the world.  I've worked through many coffee breaks and lunch breaks to get out of the office at a reasonable hour and take her to the park or a picnic or for frozen yoghurt.  I don't do it enough but I don't beat myself up about it either.  Nobody is perfect.  Everybody does the best they can.

I also found time to start running.  Yeah, 3 months ago I was a "I can't run" person.  Now I'm training for a half marathon.  More like shuffling but I have another 5.5 months to go.

I don't make resolutions, but i do set goals so this year I want to keep kicking butt at work.  I want to get better at running and drink more water!  And spend less money on myself and more on those I love.

Seems fair!

Journal of me

I've been pretty quiet on here and online in general of late.  It's well documented that winter is not my favourite time of year.  I find nothing joyful about winter, except maybe a very early bed time under a bunch of blankets and a warm wheat bag at my feet.  I can't get warm, my body misses the sunshine, my immune system struggles and I lack motivation to do anything.  Some people love the coats and boots.  I don't.

I have been working hard on training myself to be in bed by 10 and to enjoy waking up at 6am, instead of craving a sleep in.  I am deep seated into a strong routine and finding time to do all the things that I want to do, outside of what I have to do.  I have been reading so much about the importance of morning and evening routines and scheduling.  As a parent, my number one tip is to get as much done the night before.  I know the feeling of just wanting to dive into bed once the child is finally asleep but even 45 minutes the night before saves a frantic start to the next day.

I also really value waking up before my child does in the morning.  I gather my thoughts and think about the day ahead.  I may read the news headlines and drink a glass of warm water with lemon and take a magnesium supplement, vitamin D and a probiotic.  I also prep breakfast.  Then I can enjoy some cuddles with the little person who's happy to start a day at 6am.  

I've also begun the Journal of Me to run through the summer and new year.  It's unrelenting and challenging but that's been my motto this year.  Life has really been pushing me out of my comfort zone, both personally and in particular professionally.  I'm mustering up the courage to do my masters now.  

There are so many wonderful reasons for us all to be happy with our lives, so lets remind ourselves of them.  You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it... 

Woman

One of the best paragraphs I've read in a long time.  I know that goop can polarise the masses but it often raises some worthy topics.  I just loved this article.

"Every woman needs to work on her own playing big, and that doesn’t mean simply her ego’s ambitions but rather a pursuit of her heartfelt dreams for her life and her real passions. When she’s given herself full permission to do that, to work on becoming the woman she longs to be, when she’s respecting her own dreams, she can be supportive of other women doing so, too.

When you feel jealous of other women, find yourself gossiping, or wanting to take away from another woman’s success, ask yourself, “Where have I gone astray from allowing and pursuing my own aspirations and what do I need to do to get back on my own side?” It’s about you and your path. It’s not about her."

Mum life

Waking up before 6am, eating breakfast before 7.  Almond milk latte and a long hot shower saving the day.  But I get to wear drop crotch trousers and a t shirt so it's all good.  

The most wonderful time of the year

Every year I promise myself to be more prepared for Christmas and the summer holidays that follow and every year I find myself frantically trying to get everything done.  Surely I haven't been the only one who isn't sure what salads to make yet.  Or the only one who hasn't put up any decorations?

I have committed to yet another mammoth pre holiday clean up and shake up.  Out with old linen, tea towels and towels.  Turfing some very well loved winter gear, boxing up baby clothes (can't bring myself to get rid of EVERYTHING just yet).  I have new bikinis, new cushions.  Most of the Christmas gift shopping was done online thanks to some wonderful store wide xx% off discounts that my favourite retailers have treated us all to.

There is still a lot of wrapping to do, a Kmart wishing tree gift for Ariana to pick out.. dry cleaning to drop off, shoes to be reheeled, bills to be paid and filed away, friends to have dinner with, clients to write cards for.  Over the holidays I will order some photo albums, rotate toys and toddler activities and clean out the kitchen cupboards.  Nothing beats leaving behind a spotless and organised home before heading off for holidays.  I also want to start a really, really small herb garden.... 

'I like being a woman, even in a man’s world. After all, men don't wear dresses, but we can wear the pants.' - Whitney Houston

photo via the coveteur 

I just love that quote by Whitney Houston.  Do you find that people are judgemental about what others wear?  I do.  Wasn't Steve Jobs' black turtle neck a hot topic every time he launched a new product?  Although these days I'm often in loose jeans or shorts when I'm at home, the days in the office are always spent in a dress or skirt and heels.  Heels are non negotiable.  I even wore heels while I was pregnant.  I certainly didn't suffer.  Life is too short to wear uncomfortable shoes so when I do find the right pair they come home with me and they're worn to death.  I do get tired of the arguments that caring about your clothes and how you look invalidates your ability to be good at your job.  My overall looks add to my power.  It makes me feel more like myself without it impacting my professional skills.  

Thank you!

Papier D'Amour thank you cards

I feel terribly guilty that I don't get to write regular posts and visit other blogs.  It was one of my favourite things to do.  It's just become increasingly difficult to find time to allocate to this hobby.  I have plenty to write but time just gets away from me so quickly.  Before I know it it's Thursday night and another week has almost passed.

So I wanted to say thank you.  Think for continuing to visit my blog (I am always amazed at how many unique visits I get), thank you for engaging with me via social media.  Thank you!  I promise to post more regularly this summer.  In an effort not to neglect the people I treasure the most in life I'm planning on mailing out some hand written thank you cards.  I Christmas cards are also in the works early this year.  

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

I used to be all about the buzz, but now I'm all about serenity.  I used to live so close to St Kilda Botanic Gardens but I never, ever went there.  Now it's one of my favourite places to run or to sit and think (often while my toddler is running away from me in the opposite direction).  We eat strawberries and giggle and pick flowers and roll on the grass.  I'm so blessed that Tuesdays and Wednesdays are days for just us.  We fill the fridge and do some washing and then we have some fun.  A dear friend of mine always said that life will find a way and it really, truly has.  

I've learnt not to complain about things I can't change and embrace the way that things are.  I'm all the happier for it.  My favourite part of Sunday afternoon was 40 minutes to myself listening to jazz music and prepping dinner.  

What's up?

I absolutely love this quote.  Saying NO has become a massive part of me the last few years.  I was always striving for more, taking on just a little bit too much.  Over exerting myself.  Pushing, pushing, pushing.  Until I really took a beating on all levels and decided to scale down.  It was a slow journey to no, but saying no doesn't feel me with guilt anymore.

This year seems to have really got away from me.  I didn't have much planned, except to survive.  Survive whatever challenges life threw at me. And there has been many.  Many surprises and learnings.   I have needed to make adjustments and roll with the punches.  Seems to be the way for me, always changing, always growing.  My health has unfortunately really taken a beating.  My immune system has deserted me and I am desperately trying to claw my way back.  It's hard to do much when you feel unwell but it makes you appreciate what you're capable of when you're well.  When I'm at work, I give it 100%.  When I'm with Ariana she gets all of me.  And I always endevour to make an effort and get dressed in the morning and make the bed.  Even if everything else about my day is a disaster.

I slow down and then I start back up again.  I am just about to commence a bathroom renovation that has been almost 4 years in the making.  I am in tile and tapware hell.  The more pinterest photos I click through and the more I shop around the more confused I become.  I've changed my mind on a weekly and daily basis.  There are just too many shades of white.  A high end and sleek bathroom on a shoestring budget - that's always a fun one.  I can't wait to share the process and my vision with you all!  I think I am finally ready.  The floor tiles have painstakingly been picked out and the tapware has been ordered from Germany.  

“(24/7) once you sign on to be a mother, that's the only shift they offer.” ― Jodi Picoult

My darling girl, aged 10 months

Today, like every other day I woke up at 0645 to the sounds of a little girl cooing and yelling out for mama from next door.  We had a feed and a cuddle and read some books and cuddled some more and then she was ready to start her day.  B took her and the dog for a walk and I had 40 minutes to read in bed.  Then I made breakfast, cleared the dishes, vacuumed the floor, read some more books to Ari, had a pedicure, made lunch, went out for frozen yoghurt with my girl, wrapped some gifts, went to the beach for a swim and some play in the sand, made dinner, bathed Ariana, put Ariana to sleep, baked a cake, folded some laundry, packed Ariana's daycare bag, packed my own bag for work (removed nappies, wipes and toys from it and added a diary and some almonds), planned an outfit for work, washed my hair.......

Wait.  I had a pedicure??? Yeah.  Ari had a nap and I left her home with daddy.  Miracle.  There was a lot however that I didn't get to do.  I didn't sort out tomorrow's washing and the Sunday newspaper is sitting unread.

So what's the point of this post? I suppose it's to voice my grievances at those "CAN WOMEN HAVE IT ALL?????" articles that appear in the media every 3 weeks or so.  

Tomorrow is my third week back at work since I went on leave in March 2013.  Let me tell you that I started crying in September at the thought of leaving my little baby with someone else while I went to WORK.  She was so tiny and she needed me.  I was due to go back in mid December but I really wasn't ready and was fortunate enough to be able to extend my leave for another 5 weeks.  I had a holiday and came around to the idea.  The night before I cried again thinking about how my girl would cope without me.  But you know, each day she's been better. She's a very social and happy child by nature and enjoys the company of her new friends and loves the new toys and activities she can do at daycare that she can't do with me.  The long run benefits far outweigh the negatives for our family.

Now, how about women having it all.  Each of us is different and we have different priorities and opinions and life circumstances but I will admit one thing.  I can't have it all.  Not to the standard that I would normally devote to my commitments.  I can't give my career 100% right now and at the same time give my daughter 100%.  And see my friends and spend time with my family and cook and bake and sleep for a few hours a night.    Not right now.  That's why I'm working 3 days a week for the time being.  Time with my daughter wins.

"every summer has a story"

Happy Australia Day!  I am so thankful to live in this country and grateful that today is a public holiday.  I was not ready to face work today - I'm tired and battling a cold.  Not the best combination.  Copious amounts of water are my friend this morning.

This weekend always seems to signal the end of summer for me, even though in Melbourne the warmest days are still ahead.  The parties seem to die down and everyone has already headed back to work.  The shops begin to bring out sweaters and leather.  WAAAAAY too soon.  

I was lucky to escape to the beach for a while this summer.  Ari loves the ocean just as much as I do.  I have had so many crazy thoughts running my head that I really needed a get away.  It came just at the right time and was calming in every way.  The baby forced the pace to slow down.  Throw in some naps and an 8pm bed time for all of us.  It was perfect.

A very early morning swim - Sportsgirl panama hat, Seafolly beach bag

Ari pondering life 

Chicken tacos. So simple and so good.

Rounding off 2013 with a mojito

Perfection on a plate. Flourless chocolate cake.

Massimo;s Gelateria - I always have the same thing when I try out a new icecreamery - hazelnut and tiramisu.

Literally the only things I used - a cheap kaftan, Kindle touch, Zimmermann bikini, Kiehl creme de corps, Kiehl midnight recovery oil, Nivea spray sunscreen, Korres fig body wash and ASAP eye cream and SPF moisturizer.  So liberating. 

House detox

Image via Tumblr

Am I the only one who's really conscious about chemicals and radiation in the house?  We surround ourselves with so many pollutants and toxic chemicals.  And what about all the beeping devices?  Chargers and computers and phones.  We often have 3-4 laptops and 4 phones between 2 people?  Wow.  I don't use a microwave.  I don't charge my phone where I sleep.  I don't use electric blankets or baby monitors.  I have started to use cloth nappies part time now and swear by cleaning the baby with a wash cloth and water.  She's not THAT dirty is she?  I try to do one or two thorough cleans with the chemically stuff during the year and in between that maintain it with natural products.  If you clean regularly you don't need antibacterial wipes and bleach do you?  Use up the products that you have and perhaps reconsider.

My favourite things to start with

• Microfibre cloths are magic.  For dusting and especially cleaning the bathroom and kitchen.  I even exfoliate my face with a microfibre face washer.  I mop the floor is water and a microfibre cloth.
• Plastic containers?  Nope.  I try and store everything in glass containers.  Can easily recycle old jars as well.  
• Vinegar and baking soda.  And a bit of lemon.  Pretty good cleaner.

There's less than a week to go until holidays.  There's still too much to do.  But I'm getting there.  Slowly.  Slowly.

“But until a person can say deeply and honestly, "I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday," that person cannot say, "I choose otherwise.” ― Stephen R. Covey,

I am often tired.  So tired.  My autoimmume disease can wreck havoc with me.  My moods and energy levels.  My digestion.  It can all be a complete mess.  And just as often I feel perfectly fine.  Happy. Content.  Full of energy.  It's the low energy times that destroy me.  I begin to feel guilty about the way I feel and it all turns into one vicious cycle.  I've been burning myself into the ground of late with the occasional poor choices.  Having a child has made me realise that these small people learn the best by following your example.  So what I do has to change.

If you've read my blog before you'd know that about 2 years ago I decided to cut refined sugar out of my life.  I didn't eat sugar for ages.  Many, many months. And then recently chocolate and ice cream became my friends who quickly turned into enemies.  They taught me that I just cannot tolerate eating them and that they make me feel like a drum of toxic chemicals.  So last night I binned any trace of processed food from my fridge/freezer/pantry.  No more chocolate covered macademia nuts. I am sick of waste.  I am now embarking on a clean life for a little while.  Simple, simple food free of sugar.  Free of cake.  No fad diet.  No weight loss.  Just the right choices and the right example for my little girl. 

The most magical time of the year...

Can somebody please hit the pause button?  My little baby is growing at a rapid pace.  She can sit on her own for ages.  She has two teeth, waves goodbye and holds out her arms when she wants me to take her.  Those arms held out to me melt my heart every time.  And she's just realised that kicking a ball is loads of fun.

I'm running out of time and energy to tick off all the things on my to do list between now and the beginning of the new year.  I am looking forward to a blissful 3 week holiday but between now and then I have a house to sort out (will this ever end???),  workshop some outfits for my immanent return to work, I have gifts to finalise, holiday packing to do, Christmas cards to mail out, a Christmas menu to plan and most importantly a child's room to completely redo.  I never did a proper nursery so I'm compensating and doing what I hope will be a magical "big girl" room - complete with a reading/play corner and a big world map.  Although we lack space in our home, we chose to live in this part of town for the lifestyle and the things that are easily accessible to us outside of the house - parks, cafes, beaches and good schools.  I grew up in a very small apartment and my favourite memories were cuddles in my bed (which was in fact a fold out sofa in the lounge room) reading books and watching animal kingdom documentaries with my parents.  There was no second TV.  I hope my new little family can foster the same closeness and time spent together, rather than running away from each other.  Granted we all need our own space but I hope that the bedroom offers plenty of privacy and quiet time.  Ariana is growing to be a very intelligent, bright and placid child who already loves books and puzzles and quiet play so I have been very aware of creating an interesting and varied environment for her to help foster her interests, regularly updating toys and age appropriate activities for her and creating a stimulating environment.

I'm putting up some Ikea picture ledges at a kid friendly height and loading them up with books and some interesting toys.

I have a Mocka kids bean bag making it's way to us. 

How incredible are these heart shaped wooden hooks???  Perfect to have by the door for hanging library bags, backpacks and coats.  LOVE LOVE LOVE!

We're both loving Bajo wooden toys with Melissa & Doug running a close second.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week... wish me a productive one, please xx

"Simple pleasures are always the last refuge of the complex" ~ Oscar Wilde

Peonies and David Austin roses on my dining table. Simple and beautiful.

I'm currently holed up at my parents house. I've spent a lot of time here this year. I've enjoyed the rest and break from routine although it's hard being away from B. It gives me some time to think and nap. I usually have too much going on and 8 months of broken sleep tends to catch up to you eventually. But not only rest. I can sit guilt free and catch up on emails and reading, something I used  to take for granted. Summer is mere days away. But at least the house has had a purge and clean. 

I took advantage of Ari dropping her 3rd nap to begin planning for Christmas. Even battled David Jones and came out unscathed. 

Ari is more grown up and more amazing with each day. I want to teach her to be kind and generous. I want to spoil her with unconditional love and support and not material things. She will get a few small token gifts . Some ornaments for the tree and a new outfit as per the cultural tradition. 

Scaling back has been good. The less you have the less you can manage without. Proven true this year.

Time

Why is time going by so fast?  Each day is faster than the one before and each new month seems to roll around too quickly.  I seem to be overcome with guilt.  It's snowballing.  Nothing is ever good enough in my head.  The past week I've been doing a lot of spring cleaning.  I tend to feel guilty if I don't spend Ari's awake time doing stimulating activities with her and then when the day draws to a close I'm overwhelmed with the sheer amount of non baby related chores that I didn't get to do.  I've spent many nights over the last week or two up way past my bed time cleaning out every corner of the house.  Throwing out books, magazines, old paperwork, DVD's... cleaning windows, getting the laundry pile to zero.  Figuring out what the dress the baby in now that I'm sick of all of her winter clothes, yet summer weather is nowhere to be seen. And email.  Oh the email.  Why is it so hard for you to stop emailing me if I've unsubscribed from your mailing list you silly website??  You're no longer relevant to me.

I have a desk drawer to clean out during tomorrow's morning nap and I think I am done for the time being.  Maybe then I work on purging myself of the copious amounts of sugar I've been eating to cope? Not maybe, definitely. This dull headache needs to go.

Turning 30

My Ariana - the best gift of all

If you follow me on instagram and twitter (username is milijana_ on both) you would have seen that I turned 30 about two months ago.  I decided that spending it with my little girl was enough for me.  And I've spent the last 2 months thinking about it.  Who I am and who I want to be.  What have I learnt?  Well a lot.

My whole life changed with the birth of my daughter.  I discovered a love in my heart that I never knew existed.  I discovered selflessness and an urge to protect this beautiful, tiny person who depends on me.  I have changed but I'm still exactly the same. I'm stubborn and headstrong.  I'm a dreamer and a thinker and a planner and a list writer.  I still question myself all the time and I suffer from guilt.  Oh the guilt.  Mothers guilt and daughters guilt and friend guilt.  

My 20's have taught me to save a little bit.  Even $10 from the casual job that earns you $60 a week.  They have taught me to travel.  Seeing new places is the greatest thing that money can buy.  I have learnt that I don't need a lot of STUFF.  To take a chance and make the most of each opportunity that presents itself, as it may not be possible again or any time soon.  Or it may not be appropriate to my life circumstances later.  To look after my health while it's good, not to try to repair it when it's "broken".  To love those who love me.  To be kind to myself, to forgive myself.  To forget.  To not dwell on the past or the mistakes I make.  But to learn.  To continue to teach myself new things and not overthink them.  

To smile.  And be happy.  Life has a way of working itself out.

On STARVING myself

So here are 2 photos of me.  Taken in the space of 48 hours.  One was taken about 12 hours before I went into labour and the other was taken about 4 hours after I gave birth and was moved from the delivery suite to my room.

If you've read my blog you will know that I never really harped on about my pregnancy much.  I was fortunate that I had a really easy and non eventful pregnancy.  Most of the time I "forgot" that I was pregnant until a little person inside my stomach got the hiccups or moved a little.  

I was in Zara yesterday and a young mother with a toddler approached me and said that she wished that she was as thin as me after giving birth and that I must be STARVING myself.  It only registered with my brain later what she had just said.  She assumed that I was starving myself.  Do I really look like that? I carried and gave birth to a healthy baby and 7 months on I'm nursing a happy and healthy baby.  One that is in the 97th percentile for size. So why do we assume the worse?  Why is a person's appearance considered either as a result of starvation or eating fried chicken for breakfast, lunch and dinner?  I'm sure lifestyle choices play a part, but so do genetics and circumstances.  

I've been attending the gym semi regularly since I was 18.  I went through a phase where I worked out 6 days a week but also when I didn't go for 6 months.  While I was pregnant I kept relatively active.  I exercised here and there (nothing strenuous).  I took the stairs instead of the lift.  I walked where I could.  I swam in the ocean to cool down and relax.  I ate a lot of fruit and vegetables as they made me feel fantastic, plus it was a hot summer so overly sweet or heavy food just didn't seem appealing.  

Postpartum I walked every day in the early months as the only way I could get my baby to sleep during the day was to take her for a walk in the pram.   And nursing a baby burns 500 calories a day.  I didn't really purchase nor wear maternity clothes as my body didn't change enough to warrant it.  So don't assume that I starved myself to fit into my jeans. 

There are just too many trashy magazines out there accusing women of subscribing to crazy diets and exercise regimes to look a certain way.  Some may do, but some may not.  Don't assume.  I have no idea what the real point of post is, but don't worry lady at Zara, I'm not starving myself!  I have stretch marks and loose skin, you just can't see it.  I think my body was just programmed to return to it's old self relatively quickly.

Brrrr

Despite the bitter cold and icy winds I couldn't stay in the house any longer, venturing for a stroll and lunch at St Kilda this Saturday afternoon. 

Wish vest, Zara scarf, Chanel glasses 

Unusually pink Ari. Next knit. Seed blanket. 

Easter reflections and a recipe

If I thought that time went by quickly before, it's nothing compared to how quickly it goes now. I barely turn around and it's 4pm. But my head is so clear and my priorities are finally right. I've come to terms with getting nothing done and feeling okay about it. Caring and nurturing an infant is a task unto itself.

This bad boy has been decorating my desk for weeks and I finally cracked him open. And ate him in his entirety, immediately.

And that's my little muffin checking things out.

Of course I needed to bake a cake for Easter. One that could be baked with one hand using ingredients already in the fridge and pantry, so I made something up.

- 150g butter at room temperature
- 100g sugar
- generous tablespoon of honey
- 2 eggs
- 180g almond meal
- 1/2 cup flour
- 1/4 cup natural yoghurt
- 1 teaspoon baking powder

An icing would have been lovely, but this way the cake can be popped into a container and enjoyed for a few days with tea or coffee.