Every now and again things happen in my life that startle me, they shake me to the core. On Monday night I had some spare time and I decided to visit some of my favourite blogs and bloggers I frequented all the time but haven't had the time for recently.
Lately I thought a bit about a girl whose blog I admired and I wondered why I hadn't seen any updates from her lately. I clicked on her blog and saw a post from her husband. She passed away last month. She was returning from a buying trip and was killed in a car accident. She was in her 30's and left behind a heart broken husband and two gorgeous children under 10. Her husband's post broke my heart. Rest in peace Marija. Even though I only knew her through her blog, her death has really left a mark.
I also totally related to this thisfreebird's birthday reflection post. My birthday is about 5 weeks away and I'm beginning the mourn the things that I am getting too old for and beginning the question the past year of my life, beating myself over not achieving enough, over buying too much junk, not making enough of an effort with friends....
One of my biggest regrets in life is not doing a semester abroad while I was a university student and I vowed to myself when I graduated to work abroad for a few years instead. But I'm slowly running out of time to do that too. As much as I love life in Australia, I wish it wasn't so far away. As I get older, I miss Europe more and more. I want to move to perhaps Germany or Switzerland or Austria. I dream about being a few hours away from my extended family in Serbia. I miss my cousins. My grandmothers miss me. I am an only grand daughter on both sides of the family. On my dad's side, I am the only girl born in 4 generations. I feel guilty about not calling them enough, but when I do, they cry and in turn I cry too. And I feel heart broken for a week. I'm guilty either way - for not calling and when I do call, for being so far away. I was last there 2 years ago exactly. Think I'm due for another visit.
I used to be a good sleeper. I was always concerned for people who said they couldn't sleep. Now I'm kept awake by my future. Thoughts of money, of my parents getting older and needing me more, I worry about the person my little brother will grow up to be now that I am not there to help him and guide him through life on a daily basis.
Nothing in my life has turned out the way that I had wished and prayed and I've had many sleepless nights worrying about what the future holds... or doesn't hold. My faith in God is often the only thing that keeps me going. A priest once told me that just because the things we pray for don't happen, doesn't mean that God didn't answer our prayers, it just means that what we were praying for wasn't right for us and that it would eventually make sense. I think about those words often.
I always make sure I learn from my mistakes and from my experiences and that I make a difference in the world, no matter how small. Imagine how good the world would be if we all did something small, something tiny to help at least one other person? Earlier this year I helped to form an organisation for youth - to enrich lives, to mentor... Even if we can help only a handful of people, it's better than nothing. It is very time consuming and and the task ahead can be very frightening but it's worth it. I'm in it for the long haul.
Seeing Desert Flower was an eye opening moment for me. I couldn't hold back the tears. Waris Dirie is an inspiration for using her terrible experiences to help other women, to speak against something and do something about something that bothered her, that she knew was wrong. She was brave. And I want to be brave too. I don't want to sit and watch and let life pass me by. I want to do something, I want to help, I want to shape somebody's future. I don't want to have any regrets.
I had always wanted to go to New York and I probably, in theory, shouldn't have paid for the trip on my credit card, but 16 months on, I remember the trip and cherish the memories every day, long after the credit card has been paid off and long after I've forgotten how much credit card debt sucks the happiness out of me and weighs me down. No regrets.